HE’S STILL WITH US
by Yanni Tan
May 2006

Tan Mei Mei was devastated when her husband died in a freak accident, but she tells YANNI TAN of SIMPLY HER how her family, children and talking about him help her cope.

When Tan Mei Mei, 35, gave birth to twins in 2004, it seemed life couldn’t be more perfect. She had an adoring husband, a three-year-old girl and then twin boys to complete the picture.

The kids were all the more precious as Mei Mei, an office administrator, had a condition which prevented her from conceiving naturally. Fortunately, in-vitro fertilisation gave her and her husband of 10 years the children they wanted so badly.

But fate cruelly snatched her husband, Hwee Chye, 43, away from the family just a year later.

World turned upside down

In January last year, Mei Mei got a call informing her that Hwee Chye, a marine surveyor, had fainted and fallen into the tank of a barge he was inspecting.

As the barge was outside Singapore waters, she could only wait at the Police Coast Guard premises at Tuas. She never saw him alive again. She learnt of his death – caused by a lack of oxygen in the tank he was inspecting – later that evening and saw his body only the next morning at the mortuary.

“I couldn’t stop crying. Taking his body back to our flat in Choa Chu Kang, on his final journey home, was the most excruciating. But somehow, I knew I could not be crippled by grief. My children were my main concern.”

Coping with the grief

“You always read about women being widowed, but you’d never expect it to happen to you. In the early months, I was still in a state of shock.”

Mei Mei, however, was clear-headed enough to anticipate the loneliness and bereavement that would follow. She immediately moved in with her mother. She credits her family for helping her move on. For example, unable to break the news to her daughter, Esther, she got her aunt to do it. Her sister’s husband even took leave to drive her to government departments, legal firms and insurance companies to settle paperwork.

Seven months after Hwee Chye died, when the probate to execute his will was granted, Mei Mei sold their executive flat and bought a three-room flat near her mother’s place.

“When friends and family visit me, I talk about Hwee Chye and his accident openly. This helped me feel better. I put up photos of him around the house and on the fridge, and tell my kids about him. He may not be around physically but I believe he’s still with us in spirit.”

Hwee Chye with daughter Esther.

Mei Mei also learnt to cope with the help of self-help books on single parenting and widowhood and a meeting with widow support group Wicare. Supportive colleagues and regular sporting activities have also kept her spirits up. Her mum and a domestic helper look after her children when she’s at work. “My daughter, Esther, understands her father is no longer with us, but sometimes, out of the blue, she’d cry and say she misses him. I told her that that there’s just us now, and she needs to help look after her brothers and behave well.” Still, there are days when Mei Mei wishes her closest confidante was around to see their children grow up.

Living well

As the family now lives on Mei Mei’s income of just over $3,000 compared to a combined income of more than $10,000 before, she had to make adjustments. Downgrading to a smaller flat helped her save on utilities and conservancy charges. She compares prices when buying groceries. For example, she goes to Carrefour to buy nappies in bulk.

“I started to record my expenses down to the last cent, even for a 60-cent cup of kopi-O. With my financial adviser, I worked out which insurance policies I need, and how to invest to ensure that we live comfortably till I retire.”

But she is determined to preserve some quality of life. Esther attends enrichment classes. Family members take them out on regular Sunday outings. “Where my husband used to play rough and tumble with the kids or go cycling with Esther, my father and brother-in-law now fill his shoes.”

This article was published in SIMPLY HER May 2006 edition, & has been reproduced here with kind permission from YANNI TAN and SIMPLY HER.