My Story – Val

The Shock – His Death
Before I lost my husband, I was that happily married little woman whose main focus was on the family. Well protected and utterly pampered by a loving husband, I was very ignorant of many things in life, to the point of being hopelessly stupid at times. For example, the only buses I knew how to take were those to Orchard Road to shop. Taking MRT was a total unknown to me. I never used credit cards though there were a number of supplementary ones from him. Neither did I know how to write out cheques. All this because everything was so well taken care of by him. Thus, when he left me so suddenly 6½ years ago, I was totally devastated and lost. It was a heart attack. And the saddest thing was every family member was in different parts of the world on that fateful day. He died in KL, I was in Malacca, my elder son was just back in Singapore for 2 weeks after completing his honours while my younger one had just started his course in Australia. There was no last word, no goodbye, no last embrace, no last kiss. The man simply walked out of my life just like that after 29 years of marital bliss, leaving me high and dry in a state of shock and disbelief!

Widowhood (Initial Years)
After the initial weeping. I continued in shell shock for the next few days. It was only after the funeral that the truth sank in and I realized that he was gone forever and I would never ever see him again. I had become a widow! The very word sent shivers down my spine. Me? A widow? It couldn’t be true! It must be a nightmare. I would surely wake up one morning to find him lying next to me once more. But of course he never did. It was then that tears started to flow in torrents daily. My grief was so intense that I did not only cry and wail aloud but I called for his return every day. I wouldn’t have believed all those strange happenings that took place in my house as a result of my persistent calling if I had not witnessed them myself. My elder son pleaded with me to let his dad go in peace and not to call for him anymore. My Christian friends warned me that I was playing with spirits which of course was unwise and dangerous. At first , I did not heed anybody’s advice as all the manifestations gave me hope that he was still around and that there might be a possibility that he might reappear before me again. However, after one too many incredible and eerie happenings, I also became worried and finally stopped calling for him. But the grieving did not end. In fact, it was aggravated when issues like solo-parenting, coping with loneliness, decision-making, loss of identity, etc. suddenly surfaced.

Battle with Major Health Issues
While grieving, my elder son also found himself having to take up his father’s business temporarily and to face all the workers who looked upon him as their future boss. This son of mine has always been cool and composed and was a pillar of strength to me at that point of time. I believe he must have been stressed and frustrated doing something which he had no knowledge of and having to bear such great responsibility so suddenly. However, he put on a brave front and never complained. His seemingly strong façade finally collapsed only when the girl he loved dearly was forced to leave him during that period of uncertainties. He was totally devastated. Life became more unbearable for me when he became so bitter and angry with God. He kept to himself and refused even to communicate with me. We were like 2 strangers in the house. That was one of the most traumatic periods in my life – with no caring husband around, feeling helpless and pained by my son’s depression, missing my younger son and worrying how he was coping with his grief all alone in a foreign land. Both my mental and physical health became so badly affected that I was eventually diagnosed with breast cancer 6 months after his death. Strangely, I did not react to the news with great fear. Perhaps the loss of my soulmate had been such a hard blow that it caused me to be numbed of feelings. In fact, I was gullible enough to think that that would be an easy way to be reunited with him. Death meant nothing to me then. Dreaded weeks of treatment were followed by months of medical leave. And as if all this was not enough, 9 months after my breast surgery, the doctor discovered a thickening of the lining of the uterus and a cyst in my ovary. Another operation took place. I was further drained physically as well as emotionally.

For a long time, I wallowed in self-pity and dwelled on my brokenness, feeling that life no longer had any meaning for me. Broken in spirit as well as health, I kept asking myself the same question, ‘How can I ever go on living without him?’ I might as well be dead too, The evil one took the opportunity to taunt me with suicidal thoughts and I would have succumbed to his temptation if not for my love for my 2 boys.

The Turning Point (Baptism and Wicare)
But God is so good! He had His special plans for me. He did not fail to answer my continuous prayers. I was brought closer to Him by Christian friends who had been rallying around me all the while. I was baptized 3 years after his death. Eventually He also guided me to the Wicare Support Group where I got to know its founder, the ever-delightful Joyce Lye, and the other committed ladies of the committee. I was amazed to find that widows could be so cheerful and bubbly, so ‘perfectly normal’ and with such a positive outlook in life. I was impressed and humbled. Joining the committee was a turning point in my life. Through this support group, I began to realize that there is still life after death. I also realized that life means more than being focused on one’s spouse and family. God is always there for us and there are so many things to live for. I began to look outward and upward instead of inward. I stopped talking about my sob story and the grief I was going through. Instead I learned to lend a listening ear of compassion and empathy to others in grief, trying my utmost best to give them the support, comfort and encouragement that they need.

Another Battle with Health Issue
However, afflictions didn’t end after I accepted Christ. Three months after a joyous celebration of my elder son’s wedding, I was put through another crisis in life. The doctor confirmed that there were cancerous cells in my other breast. It was yet another major operation. Again, everyone was stunned and filled with sadness and sympathy for me. Many shed tears, finding it hard to believe that I could be subjected to such a string of afflictions in such a short period of time. On my part, though shocked and disappointed at the recurrence, I did not question God. In fact, I had never ever questioned Him even from my first tragedy. This time round, I was able to face this crisis more courageously because I had God in me. With Him walking beside me, I just went through the surgery amidst prayers of numerous well-wishers, recuperated for a couple of months and continued life as before. Both family members and friends were amazed at my calm and fortitude. They found it hard to believe that I could bounce back so swiftly. Many applauded me for my strength, courage and fighting spirit. But was I really that strong and courageous? Let me quote Philippians 4:13: ‘I can do everything through Him who gives me strength’. Yes, I thank the Lord for standing by me and giving me strength to face all the trials and tribulations in my life. In no way can I be what I am now if not for Him. I now cherish the life that He has given me and I want to commit it to Him to do all things to honour and glorify Him……to please Him all I can. For He is always the compassionate and merciful Father who answers prayers.

Quotation
I would like to share with you a quote which has impressed and inspired me greatly. It reads, “The best antidote for alienation is to begin to reinvest in relationships with hurting people. The qualities of empathy and compassion are born out of our own painful encounters with loss. Those who look at others through tears of grief have a perspective the dry-eyed cannot see, and they are uniquely qualified to minister to others in pain.” Yes, there may be many of you out there who are still grieving, but because of what you have gone through, you will have this perspective which the dry-eyed cannot see and I hope one day, you will be like me and all the other committee members, to be able to minister to others in pain….because you are uniquely qualified. And with the Lord before you to show you the way, beside you to encourage you, behind you to support you, above you to protect you, and within you to give you all the wisdom and discernment, nothing is impossible. God is good……all the time! With that, I would like to end my testimony to thank Him once more for His unqualified grace and unlimited goodness.